spelling tricks...not an adventure for the feint of heart

You must smile with wry enjoyment at the cheery souls who don't feel the need to spell with any concern for accuracy or consistency. Most times, the text foibles you trip over are a little like a stone in your shoe: they stop you with a wince for a minute, but you move along.

But every so often, you're graced with a thigh-slapper that stops you in your tracks.

Don't think so?
Try this at home...
Sit Spot sit....
Easy enough.
Add the random 'h' in and see what happens. For your safety, grab your roll of pick up bags before trying this at home...

I liked the hiccup that suggested this...

The union has gone to binding medication.

Speaking only for myself, let me say, "OUCH!"

This is not a benefit I'm keen to pay for...but maybe that's just me....

Binding mediAtion -- while not a walk in the park -- still seems a preferable alternative.

The best one I've seen in a long time came in on a resume last week.
Let's be clear...it came in on a resume for an alleged writer. For that reason, it's not fierce to expect some semblance of spelling.

Said writer offered details about occasional submissions to assorted editors and employers under this heading:

FREE LANCE

Who is Lance?

More importantly who has him in some sort of bondage in a basement.

And do we actually know Lance objects to this in some way?

One appearance is a typo that merits a certain brief mocking and chuckling.

But the second reference suggests the writer is either making a tacit offer or doesn't know any better. It's become a legend in some circles --not to mention one heck of a moniker.

I am glad the adventure that has been the screening of the candidates is coming to a close.

What people will offer as 'professional' detail on their resumes baffles me...

I do not need to know that applicants are hosts or hostesses of any sort...nor that they are talented professional tattoo artists, breastfeeding coaches...flying yoga enthusiasts...nor any sort of political hangers-on. What any individual does in his or her free time is his or her business...but offer those details sparingly....and always ask this question, 'Is this what the hiring firm intends to pay me for if I get this job?'

No PUBIC RELATIONS specialists need apply.

the scourge of screening candidates...57 in...

Typically, I like a good gamble. Really, I do.
And admittedly, screening for a contract colleague is like taking your Dad's best friend's son to your high school grad: nobody imagines it's likely to be permanent, but in a pinch, it might have to do.

Canada's one-year maternity leave is usually a boon to the process. A contract of a year is a reasonable length for a candidate to get into a role, make a good impression, and convince a team not to part with him or her. If all else fails, it's enough time to wrack up a few serious references and collect a tasteful parting gift.

It's a good theory.
In practice, it's not so glowing.

A lovely colleague left to commit maternity last summer. We all realized nobody could replace her, so our expectations were limited. We posted...and waited....and since our posting said 'writer with samples' we expected some degree of literacy. After round one, we decided the alleged candidates didn't really understand we meant EXPERIENCE writing. We noted PROFESSIONAL samples .

A reasonable person might surmise that this bold statement would be duly noted. That reasonable soul would be sorely disappointed.

We are three screenings in now.
We've had issues of fit...better offers...and applicants who just can't read.

In the current lot <59>, we have an intriguing and diverse selection.
We have a keen finance applicant who wants to do something called Quants. Even with the updated Webster, I can't quite figure that.

We have -- wait for it -- a grand total of four (4)(iv) who reference writing. Two are junior...two are of questionable stability. One refers to himself/herself exclusively in the third person. The last memorable character who did that was Bob, the character on Becker. Memorable, by the by, is not always a good thing.

With all the good folks who are on the market, you'd think one might blossom out of this growing pile.
I live in hope...there's enough manure at the moment to cover Don Corleone's impressive tomato plot.

I might go apply for something new myself...I wonder if 'want to be a neurosurgeon' or 'enthusiastic interest in delicate nuclear technologies' will lift me out of a pile....

in training for the woofstock walk...

Don't let the laid back appearance fool you...this is one serious pooch...and he's counting the days until June 14. Fresh off his tour to CP 24 where he made his poster child debut, he is gearing up for a return trip to the big city.

Woofstock takes over the blocks around the St. Lawrence Market the weekend of June 13 and 14. Our friends from the Collie Rescue Network always have a booth. Foster did a stint there one year (and loved the location right next to Shopsy's!). Last year, Shadow was scheduled, but serious heat interfered. This year, he plans to make up for it.

If you like dogs of any type, Woofstock is a must-do experience -- at least once. www.woofstock.ca (Beware...there's sound....) Candidly, the site's no great shakes other than offering directions, but the day is a blast.

I like it because while I'm prepared to admit that I'm oddly devoted to my pets, I am not even closing in on the pet people who are really out there. Really. Woofstock kindly reminds me of that each year.

I don't dress my pets to resemble me...in fact, we have a long-standing agreement: they wear what they grow. They share what they shed. I don't ever yearn for a fur coat because I have a different style of one every day. I revel in the fashion adventure of it all....

My pals walk. On their own. Even the cats.

Companions content to be carried in a purse are scary.

Basset hounds dressed in tutus (really...every year...) convince the Alderman Collie Contigent they got reasonably good people. (I suppose we should be greatful that they don't have toe shoes on the poor dogs as well!)

I do admit to collecting hats and t-shirts there. I hope to get my paws on the best one I've seen to date, 'AT THE END OF THIS LEASH WALKS A TAXPAYER WHO HAS RIGHTS TOO'

So this year, we are at the booth, but we are also walking. The route's a couple of kilometres long...so to be sure we don't embarrass our Collie Rescue pals...and to be true to the Legacy of Lassie, we're in training.

The cheering section (aka Foster and Amber) will train with us...a bit.

They're both 10+ so they prefer to share their wisdom but pass on the action part of the show.

Foster would pound the pavement with glee (he still dreams about Shopsy's) but Miss Amber likes to have company so Fozzie is prepared to let the youngster loose.

.

to rescue a collie-ish dog named leroy...

It has been pointed out to me more than once that certain feline folks are over-reprented compared with their canine siblings. They're easier to photograph...particularly when they're a-snooze...which they are a good eighteen hours a day and change.

While the dogs are willing subjects (provided a TimBit, a Marrobone or one of those jazzy liver snacks from Barn and Fitz are being offered), they're a little trickier to settle...unless you have professional assistance. Shadow -- the biggest of the beasts -- is making his TV debut today on Animal House Calls. He is -- in the words of Seth the Linguistic from UCSD -- schtupping -- for his friends at Collie Rescue.

In truth, Shadow doesn't quite qualify as a rescue since he went from a fabulous first home to here. A serious illness in his original family meant a bunch of people moved home to help run a business and care for their family member. These kind people were worried that their friend was being neglected. They told some friends. Those friends told our GO train friends. He came to be Foster's pal.

Smart lad that he is, he figures helping out the folks who find homes for other collies is a smart move. It means there are fewer with the potential to become siblings. He makes a good point.

The Collie Rescue Network is a small group that's entirely volunteer. They put the roots in grass roots. They take in collies and collie crosses then find them homes. They need volunteers to drive, foster, fundraise -- pretty much everything.

Right now, they have a particularly tricky situation: a dog named Leroy. He's only two and he's a smooth collie cross. He has a condition called Osteochondritis Dissecans. In layman's terms -- very dodgy shoulders. He's cartilage is malformed so it hurts and it puts him at risk of losing his mobility. The good news...it can be fixed; the tricky news...it can be fixed for about $2,600. So Shadow is off to do a publicity spot...and he'll walk at Woofstock...and we'll see if we can get Leroy adjusted.

Animal House Calls is a fun show.

Amber did it last year -- and met lovely Monica Kim from E! Canada. Monica is a very elegant woman who loves dogs. Amber liked her. Stairs, however are a challenge for Amber so her more nimble associate is doing the 2009 tour.

Just as well.

He's got broader shoulders so he can carry some weight for Leroy.

To the Big Smoke!

CBC is my ipod consultant...what does that say about me?

I am not a technology luddite...really.

Being without my cell phone ranks neck-and-neck with finding I'm without my watch...
it's wrenching and makes me feel like I'm walking around without all my clothes. That last time I suffered a cell casualty (note to file: unlike Oreos, cell phones will not generally survive a dunk in tea...although they will reliably utter the same snap, crackle and pop sounds we associate with a popular cereal...)

The Irish cousins taught me to text -- a handy little pursuit I've learned to love.
In a pinch, I can take a photo with a phone...and I have a dozen of the inside of my car that prove that. I lost the striking one of the elk from Banff during the sad tea incident.

The i-Pod adventure is one I've grown fonder of as I go. I tend to think of different additions
my collection requires while I'm driving...and I tend to forget what I thought it would be a good idea to add by the time I've navigated the last Highway 6 cut.

Hence, my affinity for certain CBC programs and personalities who have put me
onto some of the best and newest additions to my collections. Andy Barrie was an early i-Pod devotee...and shares his favourites regularly. Emma Lee (That Sinking Feeling) was his suggestion...and I replay that one often.

Michael Franti and Spearhead hit my shuffle after Michael had a very thought-provoking discussion about spirituality with Mary Hynes on Tapestry. Say Hey I Love You is a brilliant track -- and it's impossible to hear it without wanting to tap your feet.

Then I discovered the team at GO post the songs performed by their musical guests for free downloading. They feature a lot of new talent -- which has been pretty impressive so far -- but they also regularly host performers including Molly Johnson and Martha Wainwright. Not bad folks to include on your playlist.

My total index is...eclectic. Clancy Brothers selections (keep in mind, official training for St. Patrick's Day opened yesterday, January 17 - please don't tell my Sainted Mother)...The Cure...The La's (whose brilliant track There She Goes Again is actually a devoted tune about - kid you not - heroin. I got that from Terry O'Reilly - also at CBC - who hosts a show about advertising called the Age of Persuasion. Perhaps someone should tell those nice kids Sixpence None the Richer - the Christian band who made the cover of this one popular in the late 90s).

Lyle Lovett can coexist peacefully with The Northern Pikes. Johnny Cash and Kris Kristofferson fit in nicely too. The Charlie Brown Christmas songs are a good fit too.

It's curious how many artists pair lively little tunes with lyrics so far from lively that you can't get your head around it. Lyle Lovett's LA Country probably gets top billing for this in my books. So there you are, humming along with this energetic, twangy tune...until you realize it's all about a stalker who follows his old girlfriend to LA and splatters her all over an altar as she's marrying someone else. But you still can't help singing it...cheerfully...

Emma Lee is a bit the same. That Sinking Feeling coaxes you in with a great melody but it's all about a woman who goes about merrily rehabilitating romantically bruised boys. As soon as they're back on their feet, they're gone. But you smile singing it. The poor girl should start fostering cats or squirrels or something because if this keeps up, she'll need the company.

I can hardly wait until Rex Murphy starts offering up his suggestions...
After all, he taught me to Twitter (sort of...)

the joy of buzzword bingo...

In the first week of the new year (albeit, just before real Christmas, which we non-Orthodox creatures refer to as Little Christmas), I found myself in a meeting room on one of those cheery conference calls most of us thrill to...

The call was with a vendor...keen to sell us a service (and candidly, we are keen to explore that possibility). The two faceless spectres who initially floated onto the line knew one of our colleagues...who was on the line from another location. I sat in a windowless room (but mercifully, one of the warmest rooms in the building) with a particularly bright and noble colleague.

Admittedly, these exchanges are tricky for people who have never met.
Vendors want to convey knowledge...enthusiasm...empathy...
In the absence of eye contact and samples, the common currency of the exchange becomes the dreaded buzzword.

In my world, buzzwords rank (in no particular order) slightly atop fleas for their power to irritate. Like fleas, they're more a nuisance than an affliction. Like fleas, they're far from fatal, but they are -- in the words of the immortal Tommy Makem and Liam Clancy -- prolific; left unchecked, they travel, reproduce and afflict others who spread them as well. Pity the vet doesn't treat this one.

I spend two evenings a week (most weeks) teaching language and communication.
Early on, my students learn the difference between affect (change, cause or persuade) and effect (n. result, consequence; v. to mount legislation or effort toward change) so they needn't default to the dreaded impact.

Similarly, my close colleagues know the third utterance of an errant 'impacted' in any meeting will prompt me to smile, interject sweetly, explain the four things impacted can describe (wisdom teeth lodged in jaws, tumours lodged in human bodies, ore deposits lodged in land and -- my personal favourite -- the anal glands of small mammals full of nasty matter and requiring manual expression) then ask which the speaker means in reference to our clients or colleagues.

So there I sat on a bleak winter afternoon on the end of a tinny VoIP phone as the firm's representatives spoke to their capability. In truth, the earnest representatives were keen but not offensive.; still, they couldn't help themselves.

I was ready for the standard selections: leverage, optimize, high-level (having nothing to do with height...meaning notional...without detail...)...
Feedback is one that cracks me up: it's NOISE emitted by a poor connection in a stereo (a now defunct technology). Feedback sounds pained and unpleasant...so how did it come to mean 'comments we want from our clients and prospects'?

Time-box (or it's cousin, timeline) as a verb was new to me, so it got a good spot.

My bright and noble colleague watched me scratching out what he initially took to be notes. I asked reasonable questions so he know I was 'engaged' in the activity...but part way throught the penny dropped. He muted the phone.

'Hey, you're playing buzzword bingo!' he observed.
'I'm not playing,' I observed, 'I'm winning.'

He might briefly have thought about chastising me, until the vendor's team tiptoed into acromym territory. Suddenly, we were confronted by an unexpected SOW. We looked at each other and neither of our collective experiences got us past a visual image of a pig. 'Excuse me,' I interjected, 'Our phone cut out for a moment there. What was that last thing you were going to send us?'

'A SOW,' came the earnest reply. No easy out on this tussle.
'I'm sorry, but what is that?'
'A statement of work....'
Who knew? For one brief, shining moment, I really thought I was going to get to put lipstick on a pig.

My noble associate might have let it go until we tripped over a mumbled sequence neither of us could untangle and since it was repeated we felt translation was required. 'Excuse me, but was that VLT or BTM you said?' This time they provided concurrent translation: BPM or business process management -- their 'core' business.

At that, my noble associate snapped...and started adding words and checking subsequent references with gleeful abandon.

Iterations
Deployment (of the non-military variety)
Dashboard (of a non-automotive type)
Optimize
Paradigm
Scalable functionality.

Say it with me campers, "BINGO!"

I can hardly wait until our next call....

in praise of the office cookie exchange...

A friend of mine is a brilliant foodie...and brilliant is an understatement....
So when she kindly invited me to participate in her annual office cookie exchange, I was thrilled...and terrified.

While I eschew many girlish pursuits, I like baking...and cooking in general.
That having been said, I worry about participating in these sports for public consumption.

Still, I tested my recipe -- Button Cookies as brought home many years ago by my sainted mother.
I just like them.
The aroma...the colour...the taste.
I tested them...with great success....then the official baking began.

So when the first lot (on new jazzy sheet) hit the oven...and the butter began leaching out of the dough...I was crushed. Batch two did the same...
Then I realized how to cut a quarter of a cup out of butter and we started again. Batch three was the charm. After the office lots were complete, the original batter beckoned...and with some tricky chemistry (more sugar and flour...) all was well. The other halt pronounced the default batch quite tasty...and elicited the support of friends who agreed (always consult a consultant who can bolster opinion with independent assessment).

Off I went to the official exchange...
And what I heard from all the accomplished participants was the same panic...hot ovens...tempermental recipes....panic....

Let me start by saying, the other cookies are brilliant...and when the recipes follow, I'll share 'em.

Office adventures of any sort are not high on my hit parade, but this was fun!
And rumour has it that next spring, summer and early fall there will be jam, salsa and produce just for fun! Now that's worth getting out of a cubicle for....